Her, She, Me, I?

There are times when I sit and think and then I stop. I stop and for that moment in time I simply allow myself to exist, to just be. It's in those moments that I fall back into my most basic self. I'm the girl who likes peace and loves music. I can sit and vibe out to any and everything for hours on end. I like this version of me. She's not stressed, she's out there but not insane, and she's free. SHE can write, no problems no questions and no issues. She isn't at war with herself and the world all at the same time. She's high on nothing other than beats and notes and the amusement that comes from hearing one too many tracks that utilize the curse that is auto-tune. She can rock out to electric guitars or inhale her roots as she listens to African drums and a tongue she doesn't know, but inevitably recognizes. I go back to thinking, and pondering how it is that I can be this person on a daily basis. I want to be her. If I could assimilate and become She, so that She is Me, then maybe I wouldn't be a house divided against myself and I could finally have some peace.

Setting Goals

So today I've set a new goal for myself. I want to save $1,000 in the next 12 months. It doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it'd be a huge deal. I also want to have nothing but my 1 major credit card and my student loans left in terms of debt. and even that 1 credit card should be close to paid off by then. I think I can do it, and I don't intend to let this be the end of my goal setting. Before my birthday this year, I decided I wanted to be in a better place by the time I turned 25, and I think that I can do it if I set small attainable goals.

I <3 Wanda Sykes

I'm watching her latest HBO special, and she's still funny as hell. I love the fact that she is shamelessly open about who she is. I love that she's not ashamed of her wife and kids. Plus, she looks DAMNED good. I love her hair, but right now I'm mad her behind has named her roll (as in roll of fat) Ester and is personifying it... a mess. But um yeah back to that hair. I want it. Yes Yes I do love it. It's so prettiful, and yes I'm too lazy to put up a picture.
Randomness over

Betta'

I said I'd do better and in a way I have. I've gotten rid of a man that doesn't care about me let alone love me. So why don't I feel better for doing so. I guess its because to me he's just another failure on my part. I feel like crying, but I won't. I'm going to let it go, call on God, and then P.U.S.H. Because that's the only way to move beyond this and BE better.

Tornadoes

A few nights ago I had I dream that I sat in my apartment staring out my window as it stormed. I knew that we had tornado warnings but couldn't seem to tear myself away from that particular spot. As I stood there I watched a funnel cloud appear in the distance. Then another one appeared, and then a third. I stood there gawking at them as a voice gave the all clear and stated that they were moving out of the vicinity. I could still see them, but I wasn't the least bit afraid or even concerned.


I haven't been able to forget that dream, so I decided to look it up. The website stated the following

Tornadoes
To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.



Guess that answers my question about dealing with him. I don't think I needed to look the dream up to know what it meant though, because earlier today, after seeing him, I decided that it would be the last time. It's been interesting but I'm too old to play games with a man that does not love me. I'd rather be celibate than feel used and dirty. Besides dealing with him might make me blind to the man I'm really supposed to have.